Safe Sex and Contraception
More than 10 years ago now, Susan Quilliam published an article which, while it has been fairly criticised for various reasons, raised an interesting point. Quilliam observed that women’s exposure to formal education about sex and relationships might be as little as a few hours in a lifetime, while their exposure to informal sex and relationship education via romance novels could be as a much as a day or more a week.
In my (completely unresearched) opinion, I think that:
- Quilliam underestimated the amount of romance women (and others!) chose to read; and
- That ratio of a few hours of formal education sex and romance education to (at least!) one day per week of informal sex and relationship education via various media (books, movies, TV, the interwebs) hasn’t significantly changed (and probably applies to most people – not just women).
I can honestly say that I got most (but not all) of my sex education from Mum’s bookshelves (thankfully, she’ll never read this because she’d be rightly horrified at that fact!) and I expect that’s still the case to date for kids throughout the world. Possibly even more so for teens and young adults in countries where sex education is particularly limited or non-existent.
Abstinence might make the heart grow fonder, but it does not stop people having sex.
And while there is lots of consequence-free unprotected sex going on in real life, just as there is consequence-free unprotected sex in romance novels, but there are some things that writers should get right, beyond the standard condom application (that can be outrageously sexy).
So, safe sex and contraception are things any writer of sexy times should consider – even if, ultimately, you choose not to put them squarely on the page.
If grown ass adults can’t talk about safe sex and contraception, then they shouldn’t be having sex.
IMHO, conversations about safe sex and contraception should be squarely on page in contemporary romance – both are current issues that deserve consideration by your protagonists (whether separately or together). How you do that, though, is completely up to you – and can be amazingly sexy. A personal favourite is in chapter two of Nalini Singh’s Rock Addition where a conversation about the purchase of condoms is used as foreplay.
It might be a different conversation in historical romance – especially if you have a more sheltered or naïve heroine – but don’t try and tell me contraception didn’t exist or women didn’t know about it back in the day – it did, and they did. These discussions are also not necessarily limited to preventatives and prophylactics. For example, there could be a discussion of what might happen should there be consequences of a dalliance, or an arrangement made for everything but penetration. Or the unprotected sex could be a plot device (Personally I’m a fan of an unplanned pregnancy or a surprise baby as a plot device…).
And there is still room for such conversations in paranormal romance although, depending on the world you’re building, it’s not necessarily as key as in contemporary or historical. In paranormal, given you’re the one making up the rules of the world you can choose to use technology to eradicate STDs, for example. Or have pregnancies be the outcome of certain, limited, fated couplings.
Butt stuff requires lube
(and lube is not butter or spit (no matter how dirty hot the boat scene is in 365 Days).
While the above is clearly true – safe sex is not just about condoms and nor is it just about lube (although lube is important people!).
It’s also about the physical and mental environment of the act – particularly in the case of BDSM.
If you’re going to write about activities outside your wheelhouse, please do your research (and we will come back to research in a future article). The internet is a weird and wonderful place and, while you need to be a little circumspect in identifying good resources, you can find all manner of information to help you write safe, sane and consensual sex. This is even more key if you’re writing things like restraints, wax, or breath play (or any other of the many different types of kinks and fetishes that are out there). You don’t want your protagonist accidentally burning an essential part of their partner, or cutting off the circulation to their hands and feet, as neither of these things are particularly sexy.
Final thoughts
This discussion is by no means a comprehensive exploration of all the possible facets of safe sex and contraception that could be raised in romance novels. I’ve tried to stay broad and applicable across all elements of romance – but there will absolutely be others.
It’s also not meant to place responsibility for the world’s sex education on romance authors.
But the one thing I hope that you take away from this quick canvass is, as I said above, safe sex and contraception are things any writer of sexy times should consider – even if, ultimately, you choose not to put them squarely on the page.
Let me know your favourite safe sex or contraception scene: @wordsbykc (Twitter) / @wordsbykristinecharles (FB)
This post was originally published in the Romance Writers of Australia Hearts Talk April 2023
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